


One Summer You Suppose

by CruelestNightmare



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor is dead, Gen, Jared learns from past mistakes, Jared reflects over the past, Muse - Freeform, Something that has been itching at the back of my head for ages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-20 15:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13149990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelestNightmare/pseuds/CruelestNightmare
Summary: Jared Kleinman takes the time to reflect on his past and finally forgives himself.





	One Summer You Suppose

The gate creaked when he opened it, and it swung wide enough to allow him in, before getting stuck. He shimmied through and gave the gate a cold look before continuing on the gravel path before him. The air was warming up as the seasons transitioned but it still had a bite of cold that he appreciated. The fields before him gave him an uneasy feeling that he could feel in his belly, and he absentmindedly tugged his arm across him, almost as if he was giving himself a hug. 

He eventually counted 17 rows and walked towards a single gravestone, separate from the others and almost looking lonely. It wasn’t a grand marker, just black marble, with the words: “Rest in Peace,” along with the dates of their birth and death year. 

Uncomfortable, Jared stood in front of the grave for several minutes; a cold breeze ruffled his hair, and he shivered. Taking this as a sign to get on with it, he opened his mouth, only to draw a blank at what to say. He blew a frustrated breath, shoving a hand through the windblown locks on his head. 

“I don’t really know what to say.” He stared at the stone in front of him once more, but it gave him nothing to go on. Motherfucker, say something! “I guess I came here to say I’m, er, sorry. I wasn’t a nice person to you, even if I didn’t really think so at the time.” Carefully, he knelt down on his knees and traced the name on the stone. Connor Murphy.

“I’m lying; I know I was an ass. I just wasn’t mature enough to stop.” He sat down and crossed his legs, criss-cross applesauce style. Drumming his hand on his knee, Jared shifted his eyes to the sky. A blinding blue with puffs of clouds now and then. Theoretically, it would be a “perfect” day, but it felt… lacking. Unsatisfactory. There was a breeze that made him shiver once in awhile, but he welcomed it. “I was an ass, and even if you deserved it once in awhile, it wasn’t right for me to continue my behavior. I’m not really good at this.” He shifted his eyes back toward the marker. “I’m not really good at this, I know, but I figured, y’know. It was at least right to apologize, even if you’re…” A small breeze made his nose tickle, and he took it as encouragement, even if he knew that was irrational. “Even if you’re dead.”

His butt was getting numb; uncomfortable, he shifted around and stretched out his legs. He was getting more into the hang of this, and he didn’t want to break his flow.

“I didn’t know you very well; I basically took rumors and teased you about them. I’m not proud of that, I never was, to be honest, but it was something that seemed harmless? I guess what I’m trying to say is, that, I’m an ass. I already said that, but really, that’s what I was. An absolute ass.” He sighed. “I was an ass to you, an ass to that guy Clark, to everyone who didn’t have a social standing in that stupid school. Even Eva-” He stuttered, panicking, before quickly looking around. There was an old lady a few rows away, but she was too far away to listen to anything he was rambling about. “I was an ass, alright? I’m sorry, I was, I wish I could change the past, but I can’t, so I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I fucked up really bad.”

He dropped his head to his hands, rubbing his eyes tiredly. His glasses slipped on his nose but he didn’t fix them. “I might not have even registered to you. I don’t know. I don’t know if I pushed you over the edge, or if I had nothing to do with your sui-suicide, but, but…” The silence was deafening, and he was glad for the old lady starting to sing some 60’s song about lost love. She must have been putting a lot of effort into singing if he could hear from this distance. 

“But I was still out of line, and I am so sorry.”  The breeze blew harder. “I don’t know how to, to convey, how much I regret my actions, but I do. I had to do some really deep soul searching shit and I reflected. A lot. Mostly at the Temple.” He chuckled quietly, “Yeah, Ma was mad that I haven’t gone for a while. It’s… it’s helped me a lot, I guess.” The old lady had stopped singing by now, though he could still see her sitting on the grave. He wondered why she was there alone, figured it was none of his business, and shifted in place to stare back at the black stone in front of him. He felt… different. 

“I don’t think you’d care much for my sorry ass, but, y’know. I needed this, for closure or whatever.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I dwell with what-ifs, but that does me no good. What if I stopped caring about social status? What if I didn’t, didn’t, fuck, bully you? What if I actually tried being a good friend to, to, Evan, or whatever? Would any of this matter? Do I? Do I matter, or make a difference, or-” He cut himself off, shutting his eyes tightly. Tears had begun to mist. A deep breath. Then another. 

The wind had stopped blowing and everything was still. If this was a movie, there would be some sort of realization or something. But Jared continued to sit there, staring at the gravestone of a kid he didn’t know, long gone. His hands were shaking, from the cold or from the force of holding back tears, he couldn’t tell. He sniffled, not bothering to wipe away any tears that had fallen. “I don’t like to think about what-ifs… I can’t change anything.” Can’t go back in time. “But there’s something I used to tell Evan? ‘ _ There’s no use crying over spilt milk. _ ’” A tiny smile. “He used to make a face when I said that, but it would calm him down a little.” A laugh. 

“So I can’t change anything, but I can do something about the future. I’m...I’m gonna try being...I am going to do! Do anything to stop that bully that was Jared Kleinman. I just needed a little time to face the demons.” Finally, his shoulders began to untense. His hands stopped shaking. His eyes continued to glisten, but there weren’t any tears. “And isn’t that damn poetic?” 

**Author's Note:**

> The character of Jared Kleinman has always intrigued me. This has been sitting on my computer for months, and I've finally decided to post it.   
> Questions? Headcanons? My tumblr is @cruelestnightmare!


End file.
